The Onion: Michael Bay set to ruin 'Thundercats'

I'm a fan of The Onion, even though a lot of the time, the headlines are better than the full stories. This morning, though, I enjoyed two particularly funny stories. One was about the suppressed homoerotic urges of an NRA Annual Meeting. The other one tied in with an ongoing rant of mine that occasionally surfaces on Raised in the 80s.

Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal to F**k Up 'ThunderCats'

"I couldn't be more excited to completely f**k this up," said Bay, who plans to begin production on destroying the live-action adaptation next month. "ThunderCats has a great story, endearing characters, action, adventure, space-travel, and fantasy. It will be an honor to run it into the ground."

Hollywood insiders agreed that Bay—who has reportedly been closely involved in each of the 45 progressively worse rewrites of the script—was a natural choice to take a steaming dump on the popular ThunderCats property.

"Michael Bay has this innate sense of how to ruin a great story," Variety reporter Todd Brick said. "His ability to create astonishing plot holes, pepper dialogue with groan-inducing clichés, and abandon storylines halfway through is unparalleled. He was born to destroy this movie."

I just can't see why people can't leave the 80s alone! In fairness, this is satire, although there are plans to release a CGI feature-length version of ThunderCats next year. But maybe that's it--the best satire is what hits closest to home. Every time I hear that they're going to remake something out of my childhood, this is the kind of visceral reaction of pure dread that I have. It didn't even need to be a good show or movie: what mattered is that it was mine!

Next up: The Jonas Brothers set to star in '3n Wolf' (pronounced Threen Wolf') the third instalment in a decent premise increasingly ruined in the 80s, now slated to be completely wrecked in the 21st-century remake.

Raised in the 80s Trivia Quiz 2

Are you ready for another batch of Raised in the 80s Trivia? How much of this do you remember (without resorting to Wikipedia?) Answers in three days...

1. Who originally recorded Dancing with Myself before Billy Idol?
   
2. What year is 1982's Blade Runner set in?
   
3. What 1987 film was the first collaboration between the two Coreys? (Haim & Feldman)
   
4. What are the three things to fear in the Fire Swamp?
   
5. What are the Hardy Boys' first names?
   
6. What does Corey Hart wear at night?
   
7. What is the dog's name on Fraggle Rock?
   
8. What are the names of the four ghosts in Pac-Man?
   
9. Which of the four Golden Girls was played by the oldest actress?
10. What was the name of the woman who asked 'Where's the Beef?'
    
11. Who played the three Witches of Eastwick?
12. Who is Strawberry Shortcake's arch-nemesis?
13. What video game featured these opponents: Glass Joe, Bald Bull, and Pizza Pasta?
14. What was the name of the ship in Pigs in Spaaaaace?
    
15. What game does the phrase 'All your base are belong to us' come from?
    

Computer Critters / Rubik / The Friendly Giant / McDLT

The final installment in the Computer Critters series, and perhaps the one I remember best. For years, I used to have that 'cut it down to size: you can edit or revise' bit running through my head. I remember singing it to myself as I worked with an old word processor for the Commodore 64. I don't remember when I've ever been so excited about a word processor.



Do you remember this cartoon? The premise was that an amazing magical Rubik's cube dropped out of a gypsy wagon and into these kids' lives. The idea was that when you solved the cube, he could talk and fly, and do all kinds of magic. (I remember thinking at the time that if you could actually solve a Rubik's cube, you didn't need magic: you were already a certified genius.) Trouble was, that at some point in every episode, someone would drop him, and he'd get scrambled, and the kids would get captured, or into some kind of trouble... Oh, the things these cartoon writers would dream up! Plus, you know it's a good thing when Menudo is singing your theme song!



Non-Canadians might not get this one, but if you grew up in Canada during the 80s, I'm sure you knew the Friendly Giant. It was a very calm, quite sensible children's show, the likes of which we'll never see again. There are a couple of things that I don't get, though. If you came to a castle with the words 'Friendly Giant' burned on the front door, wouldn't you think it was a trap? And if that's how big the chairs were in comparison to the giant, doesn't that make one big-ass chicken? The great thing about this show is that most of it seemed to be improvised, sometimes with unexpected results. I know that rooster dropped an F-bomb in one episode!



The McDLT. Back in the days when McDonald's didn't give a damn about the environment. Not only were they still using styrofoam for their packaging, they were using twice as much, to keep the hot side of your burger hot and the cold side cold. This was supposed to be a great gimmick. What they never tell you is that the McDLT was released because McDonald's employees in the 80s were too lazy to assemble your burgers and wanted to make you do it for them. And do you remember when Jason Alexander had hair?!

Computer Critters 3 / Mr Belvedere / Prostars

Get organized, Dad! With a database management system! Use it to organize your tapes, recipes and flowers, but just try not to think about how a rabbit and a squirrel can give birth to a raccoon...


I should want to shake hands with Mr. Belvedere. I shouldn't want to grab a lock of his hair.
I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn't want to cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key.
I should want to say hi to him nicely, I shouldn't want to keep him in a big jar in my basement... because... his breath would fog up the glass and I wouldn't be able to see him...


'Prostars. It's all about helping kids.' That, and the fact that we don't seem to have saved our money. Someone please help these struggling athletes! Watch their cartoon show!


Or, just buy their cereal!

Computer Critters 2 / Transformers / My Two Dads / Madballs

'We're the computer generation!' Unfortunately, Raised in the 80s is not necessarily compatible with your special screens that are sensitive to your touch. The light pen might not work either. But feel free to use your mouse.


Special treat! A whole episode of our cartoon of the week. I wound up watching a lot of these original episodes after the fact, because when they first ran, I could never figure out what time Transformers came on. We saw a lot of the second generation Transformers, though. So sit back, cast your minds back to the days before it was a feature-length, live-action movie, and before it was 'Transformers Animated', back when it was just an animated series called 'Transformers'.


I'm not going to comment on how ridiculous the premises for sitcoms were in the 1980s. All I'm going to say is that judges seemed to have an inordinate amount of power back then!


That's another thing to capture our imagination in the 80s: gross things. My brother could be happily entertained for hours at a time drawing Madballs. Gross for one, gross for all!

Computer Critters / Gummi Bears / ALF / Frosted Flakes

Computers are coming your way!
For paying bills?
Mothers too?
Sad to say, I know some people who all these years later, still react like Foxworthy...
But it's true! Once upon a time, computers really were everywhere!


Did anyone ever try to sell us a super-sugary 'Gummi-berry juice' that would make us this hyper and bouncy? I remember riding bikes, heading off on some kind of adventure, and singing this theme song at the top of our lungs.


I've met more than my fair share of people who were confused about what Alf was supposed to be. In the very first episode, Willie makes it perfectly clear: 'It's an ALF -- Alien Life Form.' And yet I've known a lot of people who were convinced that he's some kind of a dog. Sad to say, what most people don't remember is that the military catches ALF in the end, and the Tanners all abandon him in a field!


1. Eat this cereal
2. See a giant talking tiger
3. Suddenly, you're good at sports!
4. Try not to think about what they're frosted with
5. Winners don't do drugs

Bonkers / Chipmunks / Perfect Strangers / Nintendo

Can you remember eating Bonkers candy? As I recall, they weren't all that different in texture from a Tootsie Roll, but they were fruit flavoured. We saw all these commercials, and assumed that we would have just as much fun eating Bonkers as these folks. I guess it's no more false advertising than the you'll-get-soaked-when-you-chew-our-gum commercials on now. The old woman was pretty annoying, though.



As far as I'm concerned, this is the *only* real manifestation of the 'Rodent Invasion'. Yes, I understand that the Chipmunks had their own life back in the 60s, but that would have to be someone else's blog. It seems like I saw this show every single day of my youth. I remember their first full-length movie. This latest film can't hold a candle. The only *real* chipmunks are cartoons, people!



Regularly, I lament the loss of 'Perfect Strangers.' There was never much of a plot; a lot of stupid slapstick comedy, but it's really nostalgic for me, and it makes me pine for it all the more to think that of all the crappy reruns of everything else they play on cable, they've never rerun Perfect Strangers. Apparently, the first two seasons are out on DVD now. When I can see them, you *know* I'll be doing the dance of joy!



Do you remember the thrill of opening your Nintendo for the first time? We had a SEGA, and it was pretty cool, but we always had the Nintendo-envy. Remember how those systems blew the old Ataris out of the water? But remember when the cartridges started to get a bit dusty and temperamental? Remember blowing down the edge, rather superstitiously, to clear away the dust? Did anyone ever actually *have* that robot that they advertised? What did he do? No one that I knew ever had such a robot. I almost convinced myself that he was just a figment of my imagination until I saw this commercial again.

Wednesday Feature 2

Here comes another quick round-up of commercials, sitcoms and cartoons. Let me know which ones of these you remember...



One day, I promise that I'll have to write a post about our fascination with computers in the 1980s. I remember using a Commodore 64 much later than anyone should ever have used the thing. But whatever else has changed, Apple still makes a damn fine computer. And they still make pretty good, convincing commercials. In 1984, though, they had Ridley Scott directing commercials for them!


I have the feeling that someday, Doogie Howser will warrant a whole post, as well. Funny thing is that when you're a kid watching this, the show loses some of its punch. OK, so he was a teenage doctor. It could happen! When we were kids, we didn't really have very much of a 'plausibility-screener'. A kid could be a doctor, if he was some kind of a genius. Just because we'd never really heard of that in real life, doesn't mean it couldn't happen somewhere! And let's never forget the fact that he always finished every episode with a little computer-diary entry. Some folks have already noted that Doogie Howser was the world's first blogger. Alas, at the time, we didn't know that's what he was doing . How could we? Al Gore hadn't invented the Internet yet. That's how you knew he was a genius. He was easily fifteen to twenty years ahead of his time.



This one was just shameless. My Pet Monster was just a plug to get you to buy the toy. In 1986, someone had the bright idea of marketing a plush doll for boys, with horns and fangs and a pair of big orange handcuffs ("Put 'em on you, and break away too!") I don't really know how well they sold initially. I'm betting parents thought that the doll was too horrific, and would frighten small children. So they came out with a cartoon to popularize the toy. Apparently, the cover story was that when you put the cuffs on him, he would shrink down and look like a stuffed toy. When the cuffs came off, he became a prank-playing, garbage-eating monster. As if you needed another reason to be afraid of the doll!


And these were really weird. Remember 'Time for Timer'? These were a series of Public Service Announcements that used to run during Saturday morning cartoons, reminding us to eat nutritious snacks instead of just junk food. In general, I always wondered what 'Timer' was supposed to be. Was he some kind of a potato? He didn't look like anything I ever wanted to eat. With this particular 'Time for Timer,' I was well into my twenties before I realized he was not saying 'A Hank o' fur, a hunk o' cheese...' Scary.

Wednesday Feature 1

This is the beginning of a Wednesday feature. In the middle of the week, when things are at their worst, look to 'Raised in the 80s' for a quick pick-me-up! Every week we'll take you down memory lane with two commercials, a cartoon theme song, and a live-action sitcom-type opening.


Really, the He-Man commercials were always the best. Look at the way those kids were getting into it, with their sneers and the voices that they did. And parents blamed D&D for warping their kids!



I remember most 80s sitcoms being pretty much like this one: Head of the Class. They weren't particularly good, or particularly funny, but there were only a couple of channels, and they were the only thing on. So you just shut up and watched them. While familiarity does breed contempt, it also breeds contentment, and shows like this were just a kind of 'comfort food.' For the next 30 minutes, you really didn't need to think!



Turbo Teen was living proof in the 80s that you didn't need to have a great plot, or a very strong premise to make a cartoon. All you needed were some secret government experiments, a 'ray,' and you're set! I don't remember much about the show, except I saw it once or twice on Friday nights, and it wasn't very well-received. The guy used to turn into a car when he got hot, and turn back into a person when he got cold. You can see the limitless plot potential there. Does anyone remember what he and his friends used to do? Did they solve mysteries, like every other teenagers?



Sad to say, I actually remember eating this. Candy in a bowl. You just don't see that kind of creativity in the cereal aisle anymore.

Thanks to RetroJunk for the inspiration!