Fire Prevention Week

The other day, we were walking past the fire station, and saw the big sign for Fire Prevention Week. Do you remember that?

I lost track of how many not-to-scale floor plans of our house I drew over the years. Each one showed how I'd get out of my room in case of a fire (out the door, like a normal person) an alternative route (jumping out the window in a panic, breaking both my legs).

But there was something else that bugged me even more. Every year, firemen would come to the school and announce a colouring contest. If you won, you got to be 'Fire Chief for a Day', and spend the morning touring the fire department, then take a firetruck to your school, to the envy of your friends.

I always wanted to win that. Not because I particularly wanted to see the fire department--I wanted to take the firetruck to school and turn the hoses on a few select people! I never did win, which was probably just as well. But this year I asked myself for the first time why no one at our school won. Were we that bad at colouring? Why didn't I ever hear of anyone at any school winning that contest?

I'll tell you why. That was all a big scam! No one ever won, which raises the question: what the hell were they doing with all those elementary school colouring pages?! I think they used them to start fires to train the rookie firemen.

When my daughter goes to school, she won't be allowed to enter any colouring contests. They just perpetuate an impossibly-high standard of colouring inside the lines, and lead to poor self-image in the colouring department, and turn you into a jaded, bitter adult. Whenever she wants to enter one, I'm just going to take her to the movies instead.